Calling out my bullsh*t and embracing feeling like a bag of sh*t
I’ve been in a dark place recently. Since making the move to Port Alberni, living with my MIL, and starting our lives over, it’s been challenging to say the least. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’m not the person I was before we moved, hell, I’m not the person I was a year ago.
I was confident and sure of myself. I was well established in my career; I had a full client load, I was looked at as a leader among my coworkers, and I was comfortable in my day-to-day life. I had friends and looked forward to seeing the same faces every day. We had a great family routine and a community we were apart of.
Deciding to move was a massive decision. We’d be stepping away from a life we built together, stepping into the unknown.
It was a no brainer though. We needed to step up and do our part.
Man, I was excited about this move. Living on the Island is something we’ve spoken about for years, actually going as far as making it a 10 year goal after we got married. As for moving to Port Alberni, I was excited about that as well! It’s freaking beautiful in Port Alberni, and the small town vibe appeals to me. I had big goals for starting fresh. I wanted to become apart of the community, help people improve their lives, get healthy, and feel amazing.
Well, it’s been 6 months and I haven’t done much of that.
Instead, I’ve burrowed into fear.
Fear of making a mistake. Fear of putting myself out there. Fear of being too BIG for a small town.
On top of that fear came the reality that our responsibility level went from 10-100; not only are we taking care of ourselves, we’re now responsible for taking care of two horses, a cat, and two dogs, maintaining the yard work and household chores, and basically doing whatever my MIL wants or needs.
Cue anxiety and that lovely dark cloud of depression.
Anxiety over not being able to do it all; to manage all of that plus motherhood, my relationship with my husband, build a business, and make new friends.
Depression over the fear of taking action, of comparing myself to other people in completely different situations. Feelings of failure before I’ve even started, because taking action seems huge right now.
This life wasn’t at all what I expected. Maybe my silver lining, rainbow pooping unicorn, positivity superpower was out of whack on this one, because I was expecting to easily step into the person I want and am meant to be.
Or maybe, I’ve just driven headfirst into what I like to refer to as: victim mentality.
A mentality I’ve fought tooth and nail to never become.
A mentality I swore I would never succumb to, because I know that I am not a victim, no matter what life throws at me. I am in complete control over how I show up.
The way I’ve been acting these past 6 months isn’t who I am, nor who I want to be.
I’ve been through far worse situations and came out on top, proud of how I showed up even during the darkest, most challenging times. So why should this time be any different?
It won’t be. I’ve had my pity party and I’m not down with being that lame ass girl.
I am a strong, independent woman gosh darn-it (unless I screw my water bottle lid on to tight, then I might need my hunky hubby’s help).
I CHOOSE how I show up every damn day.
Some days that might mean showing up as a bag of shit, as it was today. Being a bag of shit and being totally fine with it. Not playing into the stories and saying boo-hoo to my situation. Not complaining or making these feelings out to be bad. Sometimes that means crying myself to sleep because I’m extremely overtired and understand that that’s heightening my feelings; then waking up feeling like I fought in an epic battle, but instead of fighting, I just let those feelings be there with me. Allowing those feelings to BE there but not consume me entirely (and girl, let me tell you how freaking hard that is; being an intuitive empath who feels ALL the feelings and detaching from them will be my greatest accomplishment).
This is a journey and I’m far from perfect, but I promised myself that I would do the work so that I can show the fuck up and be the badass bitch boss lady I know I am. It’s not easy, but as that damn quote says, “nothing good comes easy”. So here we go…