A Glimpse Inside My Mind...
So, I've always had full blown conversations with myself. I'm constantly analyzing conversations, choices, thoughts, situations, the past, and the future. Writing out my thoughts is often the only way I can process through them without feeling overwhelmed by them. Since becoming a coach, I've incorporated self coaching into the constant dialog going on inside my mind, but this is the first time I've actually written out my coaching conversation, and it was incredibly therapeutic.
This is incredibly vulnerable for me to share. I've gone back and forth with sharing this for days; my higher self continues pushing me towards sharing because she knows how beneficial this may be for others, but my ego is scared that she'll be viewed as a freak, or judged for her inner truths. From what I've experienced though, it can be important to share that which scares us, because it allows us to come together out of the shadows and connect on a deeper level. I've worked with a lot of women over the years, so I know that I'm not alone in these thoughts and feelings.
I do want to add a trigger warning. I speak a lot about self hatred in this conversation; if you feel triggered at all throughout this, please honour yourself and take a step back. If you'd like to talk about anything that comes up you can send me an email or book a call, I am always here for you.
Lastly, I hope this is helpful or at least entertaining. Please let me know if this is something you'd like to see more of! Enjoy <3
Me: I really want to eat the entire container of Oreos, but I know I shouldn’t.
Coach me: Why shouldn’t you?
Me: Because they don’t make me feel good in the long run, they bother my teeth, and I’m uncomfortable in my body.
Coach me: Those are all good reasons for not eating them. What is good about eating them?
Me: Because life is fucking hard right now and honestly they taste good and bring me a brief moment of enjoyment.
Coach me: That’s completely understandable, you’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. You’re not wrong for eating oreos.
Me: But I feel like shit about myself. I’ve gained weight, a lot of weight, my clothes don’t fit, my body doesn’t feel mine anymore.
Coach me: That sounds really uncomfortable.
Me: It is uncomfortable, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m fucking miserable and feel like a slob.
Coach me: What do you want to feel like? What evidence is there that you’re a slob?
Me: I want to feel like myself again; strong, joyful, excited about life, optimistic… I haven’t felt that way in so long, it feels impossible to get back to. I’m a slob because I eat shitty food, barely move my body, and hate the way I look.
Coach me: Those are strong feelings, hatred and joy, one feels very heavy and lonely, the other feels light and loved. Can you live a joyful life while hating a part of yourself?
Coach me: What don’t you love about yourself?
Me: My boobs are smaller than my waist, all my pants feel too tight, I always have a belly and it hurts to hold it in for long periods of time, I’m not as active, I sit around a lot, my depression makes me feel like a failure for still being depressed and struggling with my mental health.
Coach me: What do you love about yourself?
Me: My snorty laugh, my eyes, my eyebrows, my hair, my piercings and tattoos, my ability to help others, my intuition, my empathy, my ability to laugh freely, my ability to love, my ability to feel deeply… even when it hurts.
Coach me: How does it feel listing those out?
Me: It feels good to know that I love more things than I hate about myself, and what I do hate I have the ability to change.
Coach me: Do you believe that you’re a failure because you’re struggling with your mental health?
Me: Some days yes, but deep down I don’t. It’s really hard sometimes, being so aware but not wanting to care. I don’t want to care about my body, but this is what happens when I don’t. I thought I was taking a break, giving my body a rest, taking care of myself… but really I’ve just been feeding and treating it like trash, and that sucks. I know how good my body can feel, I’ve been there before. I know how strong I can feel. I don’t know what complete self love feels like yet, but I want to find out.
Coach me: Are you willing to adjust your lifestyle so that you can feel strong and in love with yourself again?
Coach me: Are you capable of adjusting your lifestyle right now?
Me: Yes, but that feels overwhelming right now…
Coach me: Okay, let’s break it down. What are you doing well right now?
Me: I’m drinking my water, hiking 1-2x week, strength 1-2x week, some kind of stretching or yoga every day, eating a balanced dinner.
Coach me: Amazing, those are all great things! What is one area that you’d like to work on for the next 2 weeks?
Me: Eating a variety of vegetables, 1-2x servings a day, and at least 2 different colours for each meal.
Coach me: On a scale of 1-5 how doable does that feel?
Me: ⅘ because I need to pick up some more coloured veggies.
Coach me: Perfect! You’re doing a great job, I know some days it doesn’t feel like it, but you really are. You’re managing so much, between selling the house, searching for a new house, being a mom, wife, grieving your mother in law, grieving with your husband, taking care of animals, running a business, writing, and taking care of yourself- you’re doing great and I hope that you’re proud of yourself, because I am. It’s okay that you’ve gained weight and don’t feel comfortable within yourself right now, it means you’re ready to change and evolve. First you need to shed the layers, beliefs, and judgement. You are worthy, you are capable, and you are already amazing. I love you.