It’s been a year of change, as most years are, but this one has been especially challenging.
Three major events happened this year:
I married my best friend and officially unified our family.
We lost my father in law in a traumatic way.
We packed up our life into an SUV and moved a ferry ride + hour drive away from the only life we’ve ever known as a family.
Three major events with a mountain of emotions mixed in. Navigating foreign territories while attempting to keep up with daily responsibilities- because the world doesn’t stop revolving the sun. It’s an experience watching life continue on around you, when you feel like you’ve been kicked to the ground and can’t get up. It’s an experience waking up and going through the motions, because that’s what needs to be done. Life doesn’t stop.
Throughout all this change I’ve been on autopilot, fighting to keep my own head above water so that I can support the ones around me.
Autopilot for me still includes almost daily self care, because I know that I can’t show up for anyone if I’m not taking care of myself. Reading, journalling, meditating, prioritizing sleep, drinking enough water, and moving my body are all included in autopilot. Creating and adhering to those habits have allowed me to show up well enough for everyone else over the last year.
Up until a couple months ago that is, because showing up well enough for everyone else while putting yourself on autopilot can only last so long.
Anxiety, self doubt, sadness, guilt, resentment, trapped.
All of these feelings that I had worked so hard to overcome, have bombarded me. I’m drowning in these feelings and I know that I’m creating them. I know that the thoughts I’m thinking are creating my reality, and yet, I’ve felt incredibly stuck.
It’s a frustrating place to be. Knowing that I am the one who has the ability to change my reality, knowing that greatness is just on the other side, but feeling paralyzed in these thoughts.
Which is why I’m kicking my excuses to the curb and making the choice to embrace change. To feel the emotions that come with it. I’m embracing the discomfort, because if I have a choice (which I do) between the discomfort I’m experiencing now, and the discomfort that comes with changing my reality- I’m choosing a new reality.
Discomfort is inevitable, but the choice of what you're willing to be uncomfortable in is entirely yours.
I’m sharing my journey, the beautiful and the ugly, because it’s important to understand that life is equal parts positive and negative, good and bad if you will.
This journey of life is far from perfect, because perfect is overrated. I want to be messy, make mistakes, and grow into my unapologetically hot mess self.
I’m showing up.